The Gammy GummGumms Saga: Nursery Rhyme Rewrites

Originally posted years ago on the now dormant WordPress I shared with my sister.


It was open mic night at the Sunset Coffeeshop. The joint was filled, not only with the regulars who came for the free wifi and the one cup of coffee or tea that they would nurse for the entire night, but also with the hipsters and artsy fartsy types who only seemed to drip out of the woodworks on mic night. No one paid much attention to the old woman in the powder blue tracksuit who came hobbling in with her bejeweled walker. She found a quiet booth, ordered a mint tea, and sat sipping it contently, quietly fading into the background. It wasn’t until the MC called her up to the stage that heads turned and people really took notice of her.

She was Griselda James, known to her loving family as Gammy GummGumms, because she loved taking out her dentures and showing off her gums, just to freak people out. That wasn’t her act tonight, though. She had prepared some poetry: a selection of nursery rhymes that she had rewritten. Why? Well, her family knew better than to ask her why she did most of the things she did. But if you had asked her, she would have told you: “Because I can. And my version is funnier anyway!”

From her ample bossom, she retrieved the wad of paper with her notes scribbled in chicken scratch. And once she located her glasses, which, as usual, were on top of her head (always the last place she looked), she cleared her throat, took the mic and began…

Hickory Dickory Dock
Hickory Dickory Dock
The mouse ran up the clock
The cat pulled a Glock
The mouse died of shock
Hickory Dickory Dock

Little Miss Muffet
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating peas and rice
Along came a spider
That snuck up behind her
And gave her a head full of lice

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up a hill
To fetch a pale of ale
Jack fell down and broke his crown
But lived to tell the tale

Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wallrip-humpty-big
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
‘Cause I pushed him!
He had it coming!

*drops mic and hobbles off stage*

All present agreed she was a tough act to follow.


*If you enjoyed this post, check out more of my fiction here.*

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