What my otherwise clever brain failed to realize while perusing and obsessing over the thousands of play kitchens I googled was that they don't come assembled.
Parent review by my son: "I've had the mom-bot ultra 4K for almost 4 years now and despite the cons mentioned above I wouldn't trade it in. I would have given it a 10 out of 10 if it let me sleep in more. And if it had a mute button."
...he won me over, the first time he cooked for me. After that, I knew he was the one. They say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If so, I must be part man.