Have you seen this girl?

I am a mother…

I am a wife…barely…

I am …who am I anymore?

I’d like to say I am still me, but that would be a lie.

Today my quest to breach the walls of my emotional fortress took me to Utrecht, a city that holds a ton of fond memories for me. As I was making my way back to the train station, something pulled me in the direction of my alma mater. It wasn’t planned. I was just walking, enjoying the medieval, gothic architecture as I so often had in the past, when I spied a street sign. The street name instantly brought back flashes of me sitting in a wonderful, classic, almost regal lecture hall, with so much history oozing out of the walls, you’d half expect Shakespeare or Chaucer to walk in at any moment.

My college days, though stressful, were bliss to me, an avid bookworm. I read so many wonderful books and stories in such a short time: Native, African and Early American fiction. Delving into the English classics was a real treat. And a course that I’ll never forget where the lecture consisted of watching some of the early Star Wars movies. How cool is that?! The movie buff in me was thrilled. I actually cried the day I graduated, because that was the day harsh reality officially set in. When adult life and all the struggles that come with it slowly started smothering the dreamer in me.

I walked the rest of the way back with a smile on my face, allowing other memories to resurface as I passed by more personal landmarks. I don’t do that often – allow myself to reminisce – especially on happy times, or if I do not for long. I’m afraid the nostalgia and longing will become too much to bear. A longing for a life less complicated and a period when I had time for myself. When I was allowed to be ME.

I am a mother…

I am a wife…barely…

I am …who am I anymore?

Have you seen this girl?

Books and music. These are a few of my favourite things…🎵🎶

She loves to read. Her favourite T-shirt says “I don’t read books, I devour them.”

She loves music. It cheers her up and energizes her.

She loves movies. At one point, she would go see two movies every weekend.

She loooooves to learn. She’s taught herself quite a lot from books and through practice.

She dreams of travelling the world and becoming a modest selling author.

Sadly, she disappeard a while back. Priorities, lack of time and responsibilities made her feel like an unwelcome distraction. Guilt drove her away. But it’s time for her to come home. I don’t know when I lost her, but it’s time to find her before she’s gone for good. Before she becomes a cold case.

If you catch a glimpse of her, let me know. Tell her she’s needed. Tell her without her I am not whole.

I am just…

[Dot dot dot]. A space, a void, waiting on fulfillment that will never come and satisfaction that will never be complete.

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*If you enjoyed this post, check out more nonfiction here.*